Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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