I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
