Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Randomize
