Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
