Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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