I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
