I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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