Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
