First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
