Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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