after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
