I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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