Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
