i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Never joke about your clitoris.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
