I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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