I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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