so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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