Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
