I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
