Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
