Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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