Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
