He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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