Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
