if only i could text you this smell
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
