My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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