then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
