I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Everyone says I win the strip club
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
