i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
