I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
