Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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