all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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