Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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