my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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