Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
