I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
