I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
