I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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