I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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