Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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