I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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