hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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