Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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