Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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