just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
