and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
