we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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