Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
