When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
