god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
