Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
