Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
