i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
